How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
