How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
From my Mom
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”