Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs