how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.