Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Can Happiness buy money?

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you