Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.