Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what