“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
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“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
584.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.