“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
You Might Also Like
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Pringles
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
in the ocean
Sponch
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”