“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
You Might Also Like
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no