“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
i meant to share this earlier
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up