Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Math at Halloween.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.