How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.