How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?