How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
What if the weather talks about us?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.