Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

rest in peas

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar