Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better luck next time champ

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.