“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
finally found a reasonable question
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.