How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My love language is deader than Latin
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.