How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.