“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
that’s really how it is
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
nobody’s gonna understand
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Fight
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.