Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

2022: I can fix it

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

?

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working