How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
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Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN