“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
sin harder.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
You were the one.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish