How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
You Might Also Like
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.