Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.