How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though