How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.