How it started: How it’s going:
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
here we go again
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?