Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

This is not me but this is me