How it started How it’s going
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Namaste
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
#NoRestForTheWicked
mariah carrie
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.