Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

I saw nothing

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”