How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.