Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Sounds like a real hoot.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Beware…..