Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?