How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?