how it started vs how it ended
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Hero horse inspires millions
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.