How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
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FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
bags with threatening auras
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*