Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.