Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*