Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1184382275678420992/pu/vid/720x1280/xK6UizInu6kvYuJA.mp4?tag=10

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

The Struggle

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

This is a genius move

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing