Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.