How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
the red hot silly peppers
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.