Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!