How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Hot Hot Hot
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.