How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Herpes is trending, good job people
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Split the bill
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.