how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.