how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
You Might Also Like
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”