Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.