How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
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When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
What a website
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.