How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.