@thrillhicks

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

You Might Also Like

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

@sarabellab123

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

@bridger_w

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

@delusions_of

While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@jennalynn518

Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.