Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.
Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.
Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.