How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
🤣
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
