Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Joseph Smith, 1833

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.