Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Twitter fine art

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.