How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Love is in the air fryer.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.