How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Twitter fine art
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.