How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
mmm onion ringos
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.