How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.