How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
You’re never alone. Theres mold
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
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ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers