How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.