How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
You Might Also Like
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.