Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

No flush

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

*jingles half the way*

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible