You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?
doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.
May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?
– how I get out of any situation
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.