How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Boy never ceases to amaze me
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.