Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Current mood: Potato

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

peep davidson

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*