How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I have questions??
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
opening twitter today
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.