How long do you have to wait between naps?
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*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
im 7 sauces long
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
#MeanwhileInCanada
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA