How long do you have to wait between naps?
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
This kid is a star!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.