How long do you have to wait between naps?
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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
some things should go without saying
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
realest tweet ever.
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.