How long do you have to wait between naps?
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Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Remember folks 😂
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you