Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.