How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
We have a winner.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault