How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
You Might Also Like
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!