Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

opening twitter today

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok