How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
You Might Also Like
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.