How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.