How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch