How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Self-cleaning conscience
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.