How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.