Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

What do you call a retired miner?

Doug

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces